Metal: The energy of empowerment

Empower = to give power or authority, to give ability, as in “response-ability.”

This is the energy of the richness of experience…wisdom. A wise guru teaches their students to fish, so they can own a resource and fulfill their own needs. A wise guru allows (perhaps enjoys) their students pain of failure, knowing that their pain is growth. A wise guru always knows, or asks, when the student is ready for direction.

If you need this energy, you will observe immaturity, selfishness, and even helplessness in your relationships. You likely have an adult that is dependent on you to provide the basic essentials of life…food, clothing, shelter.

Increasing this energy begins with accountability…let them clean up their own messes. If one of our children spills something, we might encourage them… “it’s ok, you can fix this” …show them where the spill towels are…and watch over them as they clean it up, guiding them to a missed spot. Sometimes they are stuck in upset…perhaps their root beer spilled, a valuable asset. We might soothe and teach how to calm down… “take a deep breath.” We might acknowledge their loss…how disappointing it is…that they love root beer. We might give them the words to ask for another root beer, or if the root beer is out, something of equal value. If there is nothing to replace the root beer, we teach them how to be disappointed with 5% more grace.

We start with nothing…we poop our pants…we have NO resources…NOTHING…and everything must be taught…including how to nurse. If you have attracted infants into your life, you must adopt this same attitude.

Do your best to not get upset about their mess. Why would you…it belongs to them. The mess is not your responsibility, but teaching them how to clean it up is.

When the child becomes an adult, you have taught many lessons. Now it is time to step back and allow them to use the resources you have gifted them. Now you hold back…when the milk is spilled, you ask, “What are you going to do?” You encourage… “You can do this.” If the struggle continues, you might offer your assistance. “Do you remember where the spill towels are? Would you like me to tell you?” And sometimes the spill is sooo overwhelming, you might offer help… “Would you like me to help you fix this.”

How To EMPOWER…step by step…

It is an innate desire, perhaps even an emotional need, to be helpful to others. Contribution is an essential energy that flows into significance and love/connection, energizing the caretaker, receiver and the relationship.

But…there is nothing more exhausting than trying to help someone who doesn’t want help. For both sides!

So, what do you do? It’s a fact that people will tell you their problems. It’s also a fact that it doesn’t mean they want your help.

One more fact…some people even make a career out of complaining about their life…and seem committed to NOT doing something different (which happens to be the ONLY way to get a different result!).

There are still others who are clearly heading into disaster, yet don’t see their negative direction.

We can still be helpful to those people, and all people, while protecting your energy from chronic complainers…what to know how? Let’s take an example.

Your friend (let’s name her Carol) is struggling with depression, fatigue, and muscle pain all over. When she calls, she does nothing but complain about her health, her husband, kids, job, politics, food, and anything she can think of. You are exhausted by the time you end the call, not because of the complaining, but because you want to help her, and either strain to not say anything (because you know how poorly it has gone in the past), or you actually try to convince her to do something different, which doesn’t go well…AGAIN.

The first thing you have to change is your mindset. Realize that everyone has pain (of some sort), and that their growth process is dependent on that pain reaching a certain threshold (level) which will lead to a DECISION to change.

So your best and most loving intention toward their healing and growing is to INCREASE their pain!

So the next time she calls, instead of waiting and dreading the complaining, you lead the conversation… right into her pain.

STEP 1: “Hi, Carol, how are you doing?…when we talked last you mentioned that your husband never helps you and your back is so painful you can barely stand for a few minutes……really, no better…and probably a bit worse. That must be horrible…frustrating…exhausting…horrific…”

Yes…instead of comforting or reassuring, you amplify the pain using powerful words to emphasize and empathize with the pain. The results you get will define how well you do. If she says, “Well, it’s not all that bad.” …then you are an over achiever!

If the person is an “innocent” pattern (hopes for the best and is not facing the reality of the pain or the need to change), this is exactly what they need. Keep asking and inquiring… “Wow, that knee looks bad…you look exhausted…”

That is exactly what they need…to keep their attention on their problem.

If the person is a “complainer,” then the next step is what they really need. They need to notice that what they are doing is not working. They need to notice that it is critical that they do SOMETHING differently. You still need step one, because, as I mentioned, they have to reach a threshold of pain to make that decision.

STEP 2 is checking resources. “What are you doing about that?”
You will discover a couple patterns here. One is another variant of the innocent. “I’m doing what my

doctor says.” Another is the martyr pattern. “Well, what can I do, this is how it is.”

Pattern one needs STEP 3A: “How is that working?” They need a reality check. And your intention at this point is to amplify failure. Not a criticism, just the awareness that what they are doing is not achieving their desires.

“Are you feeling better…is he communicating better…is it improving…what do you think is missing?”

And, of course, if she says she is feeling better with her resources, you just stay there. If the complaint comes again, you ask… “I thought you said you were improving…is it still getting better? Oh no, that is horrible, etc….back to step one (amplify the pain), and start over.

Pattern two needs STEP 3B: “Do you think that anybody, ever, has solved that problem?” They need a model. (no, not Sports Illustated swimsuit models…somebody to model their behavior after). And your intention at this point is to amplify possibility. Not a solution, just the possibility of a solution.

“Do you think there is a solution…what do you think it might be…who has overcome depression…what do you think they did…do you think that might work for you…why (not)…?”

We are at step 3, and it is important to note that you never move forward a step if you don’t have a green light. If they don’t see the problem, you stay at step one. “Wow, that looks painful…wow, that looks painful.” Repeat and repeat.

If they have a resource, you only ever notice the resource. “How is that going?”

If they are stuck, you only ever notice positive models. “I read an article about so and so beating depression.”

STEP 4 is critical to your energy! You have to ask if they want your help or opinion! And only if they acknowledge the pain, agree that what they are doing is not working, and agree that there is a possible solution or improvement.

“Would you like my opinion (help)?”
“No.” Back to step 2. “Well, what are you going to do?”

“Yes.” That’s a green light for STEP 5. Are you prepared? Can you help them? Absolutely. They are here because you are the right person. But don’t just give them opinion…give them experience. If you don’t have experience with their problem, give them an expert.

“Here’s what I did…or…here’s a book written by someone who overcame your situation.” Other resources to provide might be a doctor, therapist, minister…anyone with specialized knowledge in solving her problem.

Rinse and repeat.

Carol calls again…this time it is her kids. She complains…and complains. And you are ready. “Wow, that sounds horrible…frustrating…exhausting…mind boggling. What are you going to do? Oh, how wonderful…let me know how that works. It’s not working…Oh, no…what will you do next? Is that working? Terrible, you must be incensed! What will you do next? Not sure…would you like my opinion…?”

Just remember…you had to reach a certain level of pain to ask for help. And quite possibly, your first resource didn’t work, and kept you looking. So, don’t stress over their problem…amplify it and get them looking too.

If you find ANY situation that doesn’t move forward using this process, email me and I’ll see if I can figure out some other patterns and solutions.

Review:

STEP 1: Amplify the pain or problem…emphasize and empathize using powerful words.

STEP 2: Check and follow up on resources. “What are you going to do?”

STEP 3A: Connect to results. “How is that working?”

STEP 3A: Connect to possibility. “Do you think there is a solution? Do you think anyone has ever solved this problem?”

STEP 4: Ask for permission to help. If help was offered and not taken, you might say, “Will you take my advice if I give it?”

STEP 5: Provide personal experience or resources with specialized knowledge in that problem. And of course, follow up. “Did you try that? How did it work?” Go back to step 1 or 2 if needed.