Non-Violent Communication

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Non-Violent Communication or NVC is based on the principles of nonviolence–

–the natural state of compassion when no violence is present in the heart. Non-Violent Communication begins by assuming that we are all compassionate by nature and that violent strategies—whether verbal or physical—are learned behaviors taught and supported by the prevailing culture.

fire

DrStone’s baby girl, Amory

Cultural behaviors such as Gossip, Judging, Negativity, Complaining, Excuses, Lying, and Dogmatism, aka Being Right.  (1)

NVC also assumes that we all share the same, basic human needs, and that all actions are a strategy to meet one or more of these needs. People who practice NVC have found greater authenticity in their communication, Increased understanding, deepening connection and conflict resolution.

“The Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) is a global nonprofit organization founded by Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. We are dedicated to sharing Nonviolent Communication (NVC) around the world, and, to that end, we offer International Intensive Trainings and we certify individuals as trainers.”

Observations vs Evaluations

An OBSERVATION is something you see or hear, described without judgment.

And EVALUATION is your opinion about something you see or hear.  If you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all, OR just observe reality.  Your hair is brown, the snow is white, you called me a jerk.

Any judgment is your evaluation…good, bad, too much, not enough…we all have preferences, but to communicate non-violently, you need to describe what you saw without evaluation, and then move on to step 2!

Share your Feelings

Nobody can make you feel anything without your permission.  Don’t blame, but be honest.  When your needs are not being met, you might feel…

pain or tension, sadness, disappointed, worry, regret, resentment, hurt, lonely, vulnerable, tired, weary, embarrassed, helpless, confused, afraid, paralyzed, uncomfortable, envious, upset, overwhelmed, frustrated, annoyed, angry, mad, or hostile.

Describe how you are feeling about what you observed.  Feelings are distinct from Perceptions, “Victim Verbs.” Express pure emotions and/or body sensations rather than what you think/perceive someone is doing to you.  Victim verbs are thoughts disguised as feelings that often contain blame, such as: (I feel) insulted, attacked, blamed, unappreciated, disrespected, ignored, or misunderstood.

Share your Needs and Desires

Do you need trust, love, compassion, care, connection, contribution, significance, acceptance, appreciation, intimacy, kindness, honesty, adventure, fun, empowerment, free will, space, comfort, ease, peace, rest, or growth?

Describe your needs and how it would benefit the person you are communicating with. Needs/Values are distinct from Strategies, Blame, “Should Thinking.” Needs/Values are considered to be our universal life energy, that which motivates and sustains us. They are intangible, without reference to specific people, actions, or things.

Make a Direct Request.

Would you be willing to… Requests are distinct from Demands that use fear, guilt, shame, manipulation, or reward.  Requests are made in the present, and are doable, concrete, specific, and affirmative actions (a “do want,” rather than a “don’t want”).

Two types of requests:


• Connection requests for reflection of what you just expressed, to see if what you said came across to your listener. For example: “Would you tell me what you’re hearing me say?” And, “How do you feel about what I’ve just said?”

• Action/Solution requests for strategies to meet needs: “Would you bring the groceries in from the car? I could use some help.”

When making a request, it is important to be willing to hear a “no”.  Ask yourself before you make a request if you are attached to a particular outcome or action, because if you are, your request will likely be a demand or expectation in disguise. (Health and Safety issues are the exception.)

Amory & Dr Stone

I’ve broken the principles into the Five Elements Energy Needs…

Wood: Teaching

Observe the apparent desire or need, and teach the person how to get what they need without harm.  To criticism… “It sounds like you are trying to offer advice.  Would you be willing to tell me what you have tried and how it improved your results?”  To hurt or upset… “It sounds like you want to let me know that you are upset with me.  Would you be willing to tell me exactly what I did or said, and how you feel about it?”  Read more…

Metal: Empowering

Offer empathy and responsibility.  “I’m really sorry to hear that…what are you going to do to resolve that?”  Read more…

Earth: Attracting

Share Value.  Success.  Encouragement.  Appreciation.  Kindness.  Read more…

Water: Asking

Ask clarifying question to understand a perspective.  Ask for agreements and ask for help.  Read more…

Fire: Acquiring

Put yourself at the top of your list and care for your needs without apology.  Read more…

 

The Energy of Acquiring

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The Five Energy Needs

The Five Elements Philosophy is an observation of natural rhythms, cycles and energy flow. It is called the five ELEMENTs because it begins with the basic essences of nature, fire, earth, metal (mineral), water, and wood.

A basic nature observation is the shift of seasons. Fire is associated with summer, earth with late summer, the time of harvest, metal with fall, water with winter, and wood with spring.

Fire: The energy of acquisition

To acquire = to obtain an asset (useful, of value) for oneself.

This is the energy of me, my, and mine…to more fully indulge in your heart’s desires and passions. If you need this energy, you will feel unappreciated in your relationships. You will observe that people take you for granted, and no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to please them. They may even blame you for their own struggles and problems

Increasing this energy begins with honoring your preferences and opinions. You never “don’t know, or don’t care,” rather you always share what you prefer or think. Take a guess. (And while I use the words “think and guess” it actually forces you to rely on your heart desire to answer…your head is the location of “I don’t know”) What I mean is, when asked a question, such as, “where would you like to eat”…always give an answer. If you can’t think of anything, just clear your mind of thoughts, through focus on the topic and provide the first thing that comes to mind. I believe that first answer is

heart…gut…intuition. If you are willing to do this, you will begin to hear that message more loud and clear.

Fire energy includes acquiring time for your greatest passions and interests, which should include yourself (a massage or manicure), what you like to do (dance, sing, paint, play, read, write, etc.), what you like to see (waterfalls, castles, oceans), and what you like to hear (music, teachers, gurus, conversation, etc.) This energy is all about having fun, and enjoying life, through self indulgence (let’s rename that “self-responsibility to your heart”).

Fire energy wants it to be “your turn.” You are important enough to get what you want, at least some of the time.

If you have served other people a large percentage of your life, and aren’t sure what you would do with your acquired time, start looking around…in your personal space, what is the theme? Do you collect anything? What are the books you have read cover to cover about? When you surf the internet, what sites do you save to your favorites. Even the most watered down fire will have embers of desire and passion.

Fire energy is selfish indulgence. While we may have a negative view of both selfish and indulgent, your Fire desires both. Don’t worry, you won’t ever qualify for what truly is a “disconnecting selfishness” because you are wired to serve others….you need this energy.

Have you ever been at a gathering and one family or couple is laughing and joyfully playing in total heart desire. They are focused on their connections and their heart desire…and YOU want to be friends with them…or at least be more like them. This is the energy of BE-ing that person.

The five elements philosophy is practical. Without knowing anything about the history or studying the application, you can connect to the essence just through common knowledge. Fire and summer are hot, energetic, alive, colorful…it is easy to see the passion and desire attributes of fire. Water and winter are cold, still, and dark…it is easy to see the patience and flexibility attributes of water.

That is the beauty of the five elements…it is based on common observations, and then applied to all cycles of nature, using the same characteristics and attributes.

The development of an individual passes through these elements many times. An egg resting in the ovary is the essence of water…as it is released into a fallopian tube, it is sprouting from rest, the essence of wood….we won’t get into the fire essence to keep this G rated…and the earth essence is harvest…the birth…which is followed by the essence of metal…reflection, richness, and relaxation.

Once a child is born, the emotional needs become the primary goal. Here are the goals of each element emotionally, how it develops naturally, and what experiences impact the health of each energy (which associates with organ health also).

Fire element: A healthy fire energy allows a person to give and receive love in many relationships,

appropriately and confidently. This element is developed through inclusion and acceptance. Experiences of feeling rejected, abandoned or unloved create imbalance in this element and lead to challenges in developing and maintaining relationships.

Earth element: A healthy earth energy allows a person to give and receive emotional support and nurturing.

It is formed largely by the relationship to mother, or the primary caregiver. Experiences of a lack of bonding or lack of support or care lead to imbalances, resulting in a continued need to seek support or nourishment throughout their life (always looking for someone to take care of them).

Metal element: A healthy metal energy allows a person to take in the richness of life, feel that they have purpose and meaning, and process loss…

(grief/sadness) and move onward in life. This element is developed through validation (you are OK/normal) and the father relationship. Experiences of not receiving validation create imbalance and leave the person seeking recognition and approval in life.

Water element: A healthy water energy allows a person to assess risks and use good judgment in making decisions.

It is formed through reassurance in the face of fear as a child. Experiences of fear without acknowledgement or reassurance or projected fear (over-protection) lead to imbalances and a life of “bad decisions,” which can include a fear of worst case possibility in routine aspects of life.

Wood element: A healthy wood energy allows a person to have a clear vision of their path and the patience to allow it to unfold.

This element is developed by clear rules and structure as a child. Experiences of unclear boundaries leaves a person struggling with their own boundaries and a seeking of power and needing to be right or correct.

When emotional development has been affected with imbalance, there are characteristic observations that can be made in life experiences, particularly with relationships.

FIRE: You will know you need the energy of the fire essence when you observe a lack of appreciation for your efforts, being taken for granted, or being blamed for others problems. This experience indicates that this energy is weakened, and needs the energy described below.

EARTH: You will know you need the energy of the earth essence when you observe a “backing away” in your relationships, leaving you feeling alone and unsupported.

METAL: You know you need the energy of the metal essence when you observe immaturity or selfishness in the people around you.

WATER: You know you need the energy of water essence when you observe feeling disappointed or betrayed by others.

WOOD: You know you need the energy of wood essence when you observe bossiness, overbearing, disrespect, or abuse from others.

The Energy of Attraction

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The Five Energy Needs

The Five Elements Philosophy is an observation of natural rhythms, cycles and energy flow. It is called the five ELEMENTs because it begins with the basic essences of nature, fire, earth, metal (mineral), water, and wood.

A basic nature observation is the shift of seasons. Fire is associated with summer, earth with late summer, the time of harvest, metal with fall, water with winter, and wood with spring.

Earth: The energy of attraction

Attraction = a characteristic or quality that provides pleasure. Attract = tending to cause to approach or unite…by appealing to the emotions or senses, by stimulating interest, or by exciting admiration.

This is the energy of “I am important and valuable.” If you need this energy, you will notice a “backing away” in your relationships. You might feel lonely or alone, and wonder why people don’t call or visit. You might feel like you have to initiate every interaction, and possibly feel like a burden or annoyance to others.

Increasing this energy begins with speaking highly of yourself, to yourself…and then to others. If you aren’t sure of your value, begin by interviewing your best friends, asking why the heck they like you, love you, and value you. We have an intermittent ritual at our dinner table, called “what do you like about me.”

When you observe your value, speak your value. Speak up where you let others dominate the conversation, sharing your value based opinion, belief, and experience. Do your best to avoid low value communication, such as self criticism (making you wrong) or gossip (typically making someone wrong). Do your best to enter conversations with communication from your highest values, such as consideration, love, or peacefulness.  Converse 5% more about your talents, wisdom, and successfulness.

Speak of the amazing and unique features and attributes of your life and its parts. Maybe it is intimidating to speak of your service value…start with other people and things. Tell the detailed story of your amazing and unique partner or child. Paint every detail and value of her as if writing a story that will move others to be more of themselves. Tell the detailed story of your amazing and unique golf club, pen, or favorite restaurant. This is NOT selling…but it sells like crazy. If you speak of the tremendous value of your pen, and do it well, I will want one.

If you researched your pen, street light or anything about and around you, you will find an amazing and unique story. This is the energy of telling that story.

This is the energy of gravitation, just like the earth. The earth literally draws you toward her. If you are important and valuable, the people around you want to be around you more. Because they find value in you, they also want to provide value to you. They want to give and serve, and you grant them that privilege and pay them with appreciation. Think of how many times you have said, “no, thanks, that is ok, I can do it myself.” Never do that again…that is repulsion…the opposite of attraction.

Welcome every approach, and show appreciation for every opportunity to let people help you.

The five elements philosophy is practical. Without knowing anything about the history or studying the application, you can connect to the essence just through common knowledge. Fire and summer are hot, energetic, alive, colorful…it is easy to see the passion and desire attributes of fire. Water and winter are cold, still, and dark…it is easy to see the patience and flexibility attributes of water.

That is the beauty of the five elements…it is based on common observations, and then applied to all cycles of nature, using the same characteristics and attributes.

The development of an individual passes through these elements many times. An egg resting in the ovary is the essence of water…as it is released into a fallopian tube, it is sprouting from rest, the essence of wood….we won’t get into the fire essence to keep this G rated…and the earth essence is harvest…the birth…which is followed by the essence of metal…reflection, richness, and relaxation.

Once a child is born, the emotional needs become the primary goal. Here are the goals of each element emotionally, how it develops naturally, and what experiences impact the health of each energy (which associates with organ health also).

Fire element: A healthy fire energy allows a person to give and receive love in many relationships,

appropriately and confidently. This element is developed through inclusion and acceptance. Experiences of feeling rejected, abandoned or unloved create imbalance in this element and lead to challenges in developing and maintaining relationships.

Earth element: A healthy earth energy allows a person to give and receive emotional support and nurturing.

It is formed largely by the relationship to mother, or the primary caregiver. Experiences of a lack of bonding or lack of support or care lead to imbalances, resulting in a continued need to seek support or nourishment throughout their life (always looking for someone to take care of them).

Metal element: A healthy metal energy allows a person to take in the richness of life, feel that they have purpose and meaning, and process loss…

(grief/sadness) and move onward in life. This element is developed through validation (you are OK/normal) and the father relationship. Experiences of not receiving validation create imbalance and leave the person seeking recognition and approval in life.

Water element: A healthy water energy allows a person to assess risks and use good judgment in making decisions.

It is formed through reassurance in the face of fear as a child. Experiences of fear without acknowledgement or reassurance or projected fear (over-protection) lead to imbalances and a life of “bad decisions,” which can include a fear of worst case possibility in routine aspects of life.

Wood element: A healthy wood energy allows a person to have a clear vision of their path and the patience to allow it to unfold.

This element is developed by clear rules and structure as a child. Experiences of unclear boundaries leaves a person struggling with their own boundaries and a seeking of power and needing to be right or correct.

When emotional development has been affected with imbalance, there are characteristic observations that can be made in life experiences, particularly with relationships.

FIRE: You will know you need the energy of the fire essence when you observe a lack of appreciation for your efforts, being taken for granted, or being blamed for others problems. This experience indicates that this energy is weakened, and needs the energy described below.

EARTH: You will know you need the energy of the earth essence when you observe a “backing away” in your relationships, leaving you feeling alone and unsupported.

METAL: You know you need the energy of the metal essence when you observe immaturity or selfishness in the people around you.

WATER: You know you need the energy of water essence when you observe feeling disappointed or betrayed by others.

WOOD: You know you need the energy of wood essence when you observe bossiness, overbearing, disrespect, or abuse from others.

The Energy of Asking or Inquiring

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The Five Energy Needs

The Five Elements Philosophy is an observation of natural rhythms, cycles and energy flow. It is called the five ELEMENTs because it begins with the basic essences of nature, fire, earth, metal (mineral), water, and wood.

A basic nature observation is the shift of seasons. Fire is associated with summer, earth with late summer, the time of harvest, metal with fall, water with winter, and wood with spring.

Water: The energy of inquiring

Inquiring = Seeking, requesting, investigating, clarifying direction.

This is the energy of flow and fluidity…and when frozen, how to thaw. If you need this energy, you will notice that your relationships disappoint you, let you down, even to the point of betrayal or unfaithfulness.

Increasing this energy begins with this concept… “You may not be upset or disappointed with me, if I do not know what you want.” Preferably, politely asked for. And the same in reverse. “You may not be mad or disappointed in someone else, if they do not know what you want, and politely asked for.”

The energy of water is flexibility and choice. Water makes choices without hesitation, and always chooses the path of least resistance. That doesn’t mean the “easy way out,” it means the most simple, effective direction, which is ALWAYS the honest truth. Keep that in mind with each choice you make. Water may swing around a barrier, but it is still on course for its destination. That is the energy of win- win. If two seemingly opposing desires or needs are confronted, the solution must fulfill both desires or needs.

How? We ask and keep asking. Ideally, we ask until we can clearly see the opposite perspective, so we can include both perspectives in the solution. If you are in an impossible confrontation, you should stop telling, and start asking. Water instantly knows the best way to maintain its desire and needs, while honoring anything it confronts in its environment. Would you say that is a good ideal?

So just start asking. In fact, decide right now to NEVER do anything for anyone else, ever again…and then, when you want to serve FOR YOU, ask them what they want.

This is a protective energy. If you attempt to please, serve, or sacrifice for the ones you love…STOP…and ASK what they want. If you have prepared dinner every day for 30 years…STOP…and ASK if they would like you to make something for dinner.

This is an expansive energy. With all the free time have discovered from not serving without asking, you can expand your influence. Ask “OF” your people as well. Ask for help, and Ask to allow people to be significant to you. Give them an opportunity to serve you. It sounds like this… “Would you be willing to do ____?” You will become more in life and more to people by asking for help.

Ask “INTO.” This is a connective energy. You are inquiring into their head and heart. What do you think of so-and-so? How do you feel about such-and such?

Imagine water with a thinking brain…faced with a barrier such as a hill. It might say… “would you move out of the way (no), would you sink into the earth (no), would you let me climb over your peak (no), would you let me turn left and take this little valley around you (YES).” When paralyzed in choice (frozen) ASK questions to find your way.

Now in your life. If someone in front of you is facing a barrier…ask them what they want. If you are facing a barrier…ask for what you want. And keep asking until you get a solution or a YES.

The five elements philosophy is practical. Without knowing anything about the history or studying the application, you can connect to the essence just through common knowledge. Fire and summer are hot, energetic, alive, colorful…it is easy to see the passion and desire attributes of fire. Water and winter are cold, still, and dark…it is easy to see the patience and flexibility attributes of water.

That is the beauty of the five elements…it is based on common observations, and then applied to all cycles of nature, using the same characteristics and attributes.

The development of an individual passes through these elements many times. An egg resting in the ovary is the essence of water…as it is released into a fallopian tube, it is sprouting from rest, the essence of wood….we won’t get into the fire essence to keep this G rated…and the earth essence is harvest…the birth…which is followed by the essence of metal…reflection, richness, and relaxation.

Once a child is born, the emotional needs become the primary goal. Here are the goals of each element emotionally, how it develops naturally, and what experiences impact the health of each energy (which associates with organ health also).

Fire element: A healthy fire energy allows a person to give and receive love in many relationships,

appropriately and confidently. This element is developed through inclusion and acceptance. Experiences of feeling rejected, abandoned or unloved create imbalance in this element and lead to challenges in developing and maintaining relationships.

Earth element: A healthy earth energy allows a person to give and receive emotional support and nurturing.

It is formed largely by the relationship to mother, or the primary caregiver. Experiences of a lack of bonding or lack of support or care lead to imbalances, resulting in a continued need to seek support or nourishment throughout their life (always looking for someone to take care of them).

Metal element: A healthy metal energy allows a person to take in the richness of life, feel that they have purpose and meaning, and process loss…

(grief/sadness) and move onward in life. This element is developed through validation (you are OK/normal) and the father relationship. Experiences of not receiving validation create imbalance and leave the person seeking recognition and approval in life.

Water element: A healthy water energy allows a person to assess risks and use good judgment in making decisions.

It is formed through reassurance in the face of fear as a child. Experiences of fear without acknowledgement or reassurance or projected fear (over-protection) lead to imbalances and a life of “bad decisions,” which can include a fear of worst case possibility in routine aspects of life.

Wood element: A healthy wood energy allows a person to have a clear vision of their path and the patience to allow it to unfold.

This element is developed by clear rules and structure as a child. Experiences of unclear boundaries leaves a person struggling with their own boundaries and a seeking of power and needing to be right or correct.

When emotional development has been affected with imbalance, there are characteristic observations that can be made in life experiences, particularly with relationships.

FIRE: You will know you need the energy of the fire essence when you observe a lack of appreciation for your efforts, being taken for granted, or being blamed for others problems. This experience indicates that this energy is weakened, and needs the energy described below.

EARTH: You will know you need the energy of the earth essence when you observe a “backing away” in your relationships, leaving you feeling alone and unsupported.

METAL: You know you need the energy of the metal essence when you observe immaturity or selfishness in the people around you.

WATER: You know you need the energy of water essence when you observe feeling disappointed or betrayed by others.

WOOD: You know you need the energy of wood essence when you observe bossiness, overbearing, disrespect, or abuse from others.