It Must Be Stress!

“Great…I can’t leave my job, my family, or make more money.”  (I guess you could do all three, but often it is not practical).  “My doctor says eat right, get some exercise, take some time off, get plenty of rest, and see a shrink.  

The reality is that all I can think about is pizza, chocolate and ice cream…I can’t sleep even though I’m exhausted.  I have no vacation time left, the LAST thing that sounds good is exercise, and I can’t imagine sitting with a stranger and discussing my problems.”  (although more people seem to be trying counseling/therapy…I actually quite like it)

And, well, there’s always the antidepressant medication.  A plant called St. Johns Wort has actually out performed several antidepressants in side by side tests with mild to moderate depression. (1)

I say that is a pretty un-resourceful list of ways to reduce stress. 

I say that this crappy list is why people feel helpless to stress.

Panhandler Method:  The panhandler has one great asset that more of us could utilize.  Everyone s/he meets knows exactly what he wants, and he is (mostly) not offended by “no.”  He gets tons of no’s…but he realized that if he keeps asking, well, sooner or later he will get what he wants. 

Perhaps you could have some fun with this.  Start asking everybody for whatever it is you want…just the first thing that comes to your mind.  Ask your spouse for a foot rub, scalp massage, shoulder rub, free night, a new shirt, a party, a movie…anything you want, important or not.  Expect that you will get many no’s. 

Ask a coworker to cover a job for you, to get your lunch, to speak more quietly, to help you answer a question, or solve a problem.  Ask your child to clean their room, do the dishes, play a game, watch a movie with you, paint your nails…whatever comes to mind.  And even with kids…don’t boss…ASK… “Would you be willing to…?”  Get your hand out, ask for what you want…clearly and distinctly.  Somebody will give you what you want, and that will reduce your stress dramatically.  

Modeling Success Method:  Your problems were not “invented” by you.  I bet most people you know have similar problems.  I bet some people have bigger problems!!??  I bet somebody has solved the exact problem you are experiencing.  

Model their solution.  Overcoming problems requires breaking a pattern, and reading is a wonderful pattern interrupter.  The entire time you are reading, you are downloading a whole ‘nuther perspective!  Pick an author who struggled with the same or similar challenge and model their solution in your life.  

Treat Me Right Method:  If you would accept the task, the responsibility, that YOU must teach every person you interact with how to treat you…YOU MIGHT HAVE NO STRESS LEFT!  Your job is to teach people how to treat you.  

Teaching is a kind, educational process.  Teaching corrects errors, but if done compassionately, without punishment, people want to give you what you want!   You can get compliance with punishment, but the compliance is not a heartfelt desire to make your life better.  The compliance is just avoiding the pain of your mouth or actions, and the reality is that you are less loved.  

Teaching people how to treat you is a new attitude.  It is a connecting attitude.  It is simply stating your preferences.  Sometimes it can be firm, “That is NOT OK!”  And followed with education… “If you are angry with me, would you be willing to… (people will get angry with you, how would you like them to handle that…teach them).  When people are mad at me, I would like them to describe what they experienced and how it made them feel.  That’s my preference.  

If they are so mad they could scream, I would prefer if they make some space and cool off.  If they lose control, I would prefer an apology.  As Savannah has told me when I apologized for the first 9 years of my parenting, “It’s ok, Dad, we all lose our temper.  Let’s focus on the present, because if you focus on the past, you miss the present, and if you miss the present, you miss the present.”  Bless her wisdom!  Now get to teaching.  

Validation Method:  Validation simply means “you’re ok and normal.”  I have a special place in my heart for validation, as I have felt very “not ok” for so much of my life.  I wouldn’t even poop at school because it seemed “not right” to me, somehow embarrassing or humiliating.  Pooping!  Funny…several years ago we found a book at the library called, “Everybody Poops.”  

Validation makes everything and everyone RIGHT! YAY!!!  Validation assumes positive intention…and I can guarantee you that nobody is trying to alienate everyone around them (negative intention).  They ARE doing the best they can with their current resources.  And once you validate, you can actually teach them better resources.  

This is my favorite example, a true story…a patient of mine had a grandson that was acting up, causing trouble.  During one visit she shared that he stole a car.  She started ranting that he needed punishment, control, rules, regulations, etc.  Probably correct, but I suggested that he CAN’T hear the message, the new resource, when he feels” not ok.”  

When someone feels not ok (IN-validated), he will most likely do exactly the opposite of what you ask or suggest (or demand).  It’s a hardwired survival response.  I suggested that she validate.  She said, “WHAT?  That is not ok!”  “Really, you’ve never stole something?”  (You are a rare exception if you can say yes…I remember our 5 year old pulling a cookie out of her pocket after leaving a friend’s house)  

What if you said, “I completely understand why you did that…you wanted to get somewhere, thought it would be fun, exciting, and you really wanted that car. When I was little, I remember stealing…”  Then, when they feel “ok,” you can teach…but don’t teach them why that was wrong, they are not idiots.  

“I am concerned about how worried the owner might have been or how losing that car might have hurt him.  If you want a car or to get somewhere, here is what you do…if you want excitement or danger, here is what you do…”  

The trick here is to notice the positive intent by stepping into their shoes…it takes some practice to see a positive intent when what you are seeing is clearly aggravating you!  It is repetition that creates a new pattern, so spend some time noticing the positive intent in everything that has aggravated you…back to mom and dad.  When you get back to now, you may have a new pattern.    

No Mas Method:  Can you say no?  Try it.  “NO.”  It’s pretty easy…until you have to say it TO somebody!    

Here’s the irony:  if everyone were practicing the Panhandler Method, we all would ALSO be practicing the No Mas Method.  If you knew what everyone wanted (clearly and distinctly) you would be able to easily see how you could be the most helpful or giving…and say no to all the rest.  You would feel awesome in your giving (not resentful), and be nourished with appreciation for your giving.  

Take a look at your “to do list” and rate each to do on a scale of one to four…one being this feels like torture, and four meaning this feels like a gift.  Here’s a hint…when you provide your gift, you feel excited and energized…when you are providing (resentful) obligation, you feel exhausted and unappreciated.  

Now, notice the number of 3 and 4’s you have compared to the 1 and 2’s.  If it is less than 80%, your to do list is a great source of stress.  Start to slowly get rid of the 1 and 2’s…nobody is benefiting from those.  

Here’s the story I often tell…If you asked me to wash your car…and I said yes…and washed your car…but then later you heard me telling someone, “what nerve you have to ask me…who does she think she is…like I have nothing better to do than wash a car…I had to miss my sons soccer game!”  You would wish I hadn’t helped you!  And that is true of every situation, every person…

No is the kindest word you can say if you are asked to do something that doesn’t make you feel good.  The intention will be off, the result will be off…it will be disconnecting rather than connecting.  Take your list of 1 and 2’s and start doing the best thing for everyone…say NO!  

Natures Method:  In nature, if an animal was stressed due to sickness or injury, it would most likely eat some plant (and they most likely know better than we do which to eat) and go lie down. 

One thing we do know about plants are the effects of a group of plants called “Adaptogens.”  These adaptogens have the quality of surviving harsh conditions, and they seem to pass that resilience on to us.  Many studies on adaptogens have shown that they increase resilience to stress, physically and mentally. 

They seem to do this by lowering our resting threshold for the stress response…you know the feeling…when confronting a person about something…the heart racing, stumbling on your words, tightness all over your body.  That’s the stress response, and your resting threshold determines the amount of stress you can take before you blow your stack or collapse.  

Think about a glass of water.  If the glass is full to the rim, one drop will cause it to overflow.  If the glass is empty, you can pour it on…and on…  Same goes for our brains…if you stub your toe getting out of bed, spill the milk on your shoes, and snag your sweater on a nail, all before 8 AM…as you are leaving the house, you might be near your threshold for stress.  Then when someone cuts you off in traffic, you “blow your top” and give the universal hand gesture for “I didn’t like that.”  

Our threshold “glass” is always holding some water.  We need a stress response for holding ourselves upright in gravity.  If your posture is symmetrical because you are a patient of Dr. Stone, that stress is minimal.  If you have a weak gluteus medius, which allows the hip to drop and turn a touch forward, that stress is greater.  

The amount of water in your threshold glass depends on your total experience of life and health.  And some people are getting out of bed with a full glass of water.  (This doesn’t feel good!)

But, that is what adaptogens do for you…they lower the level of the water in the glass.  Possibly, they build you a bigger glass, since nothing is really changing in your life…but it is clearly observable that they increase your threshold for stress, both physically and mentally.  

Some of the plants considered adaptogens are Ginseng, Ashwagandha, Astragalus, Holy basil, Reishi (actually a mushroom), Shisandra, and Rhodiola.  One or more are always on my list, both because I find life challenging, and because I think I have something important to share, and the more energy I have for sharing, the better!  We offer Stress Resilience and True Calm in our online Farmacy!!

You won’t necessarily notice something the moment you take it…it takes time to shift function and physiology naturally.  But be consistent for a week, then two, three…you will start to notice the difference.  And for the minority that don’t notice a difference in 4 weeks… that experience is actually diagnostic…it means that there is most likely an immune challenge that is keeping your body in stress overwhelm.   And that’s a whole other way to reduce stress naturally…treat inflammation.  

There are so many more ways…eating protein in regular intervals, extra green veggies every day, our Greens First drink, tapping acupressure points…what you want to achieve is being resourceful to attend to stress and inflammation, and practice listening to see if it is working.  

Hopefully, this has increased your resource list in at least one way.

Best,

Dr. Stone