Being Right
What do you want for your children?
Ideally.
Do you want them to do what they are told?… or do you want to watch and see how they uniquely process and maneuver this world? Compliance?… or do you want to create a safe place for them to express their heart desire? Do you want them to be deceptive and scheming?… or honest and trusting? Follow the rules?… or be a gift of God and express their unique perspective and value. Shy and insecure?… or confident and sure of themselves?
Obviously we have to give children healthy and safe boundaries that are consistent, and we all have to follow some basic rules.
My healthy and safe boundaries included no hitting or hurting, but I reminded their mom that dad hit until he was 25, so let’s be patient and gently remind. And protect all of them from harm, of course. I taught them that sticks and stones can hurt but words cannot… just move away. However, you may not antagonize with words.
Everyone had chores, but if Dad wanted more, he would have to “sell” the idea and accept the answer. If he didn’t like the answer, it was on him to be a better sales person. To create more value for them, for doing what I wanted.
I taught them that if you eat more than 20% junk food, your body would weaken and degenerate, and most importantly, your passion (ie soccer) will suffer! (see how I attached that to what they already wanted?). I taught them to read labels and watch out for artificial ingredients, which I referred to as “poison.”
One time my Amory was given a snack at soccer, and she turned to dad and said, “is this poison?” I taught her the boundary of keeping our values to ourselves, because people are offended if you have different values.
Natural Law Approaches to Parenting.
Let’s assume that people are natural born Gifts of God, and would only chose to be a criminal if they are desperate for survival, alone, or taught to be criminals. Maybe there are other reasons, but healthy boundaries that don’t hurt and create a safe place for heart expression will rarely lead to a hurtful person or outlaw. But might create the Revolutionary archetype!
Metal energy develops through validation, and the father relationship.
A father who protects feminine values protects innocence, and assures innocence that “you are OK just as you are.” Metal is hurt by punishment, control, and intimidation, which says, “you are not OK as you are.”
A healthy Metal Energy assists with this process of reflecting on results, looking forward to something more, letting go and moving on. Metal helps stay focused on What Matters Most in life, which is the next best step toward your inspired vision.
“Being Right” invalidates another perspective.
Metal would never be right. Metal would say, “this is the sharpest and shiniest I have become (what I have learned so far), but I still hope for more wisdom. What have you learned?”
If the child is safe… “Interesting way you figured out there…can I show you a way to make it easier?”
If the child is in danger…”Whoa, hold on…if you do it that way you could get hurt by this part here…let me show you a way that is safe.”
There is no RIGHT way. Allow the child to explore and maneuver, ask if you can help, and hold the boundary of safety. Gently.
And please, don’t project your fear of making a bad choice on a child, they are busy doing their best. Do the Water Needs Metal acupressure protocol to soothe your insecurity.
Water energy develops through encouragement and reassurance in the face of fear or doubt.
Without encouragement to keep moving, or worse, being told you are wrong in trying, or to discourage trying, freezes water in fear, which our culture calls paralysis by analysis.
A healthy Water energy allows you to assess risk and benefits, and use good judgment in making decisions.
“Being Right” is telling someone else that they are wrong.
Water would never have that intention. Water would use positive reinforcement. “Yes! You cleaned your room.” And encouragement. “You can do this, I have confidence in you.”
Water gently dampens fire. “That is not ok, we don’t hit to get what we want.” How could you teach them how to handle disappointment in a healthy way if you hit them when you don’t get what you want? Amory knows how to handle disappointment…”just try a different approach.” DrDad taught her that.
There is no RIGHT way. There are many paths up the mountain. Don’t make a child afraid to climb.
And please don’t project your worry about approval onto a child, they are busy being authentic. Do the Wood Needs Water acupressure protocol to soothe your insecurity.
Wood energy develops from a clear structure, boundaries, rules and rituals that allow you to be successful.
Wood is hurt by a lack of boundaries, and rules that make it impossible to win. Or punishment without teaching, first.
A healthy Wood energy allows healthy boundaries and flexibility, to have and hold a clear inspired vision, and have the patience and tenacity to watch it unfold. Just keep doing your best and tending your sprouts!
“Being Right” prevents flexibility and learning. As the wise sage Mother on Avatar said, “It is hard to fill a cup that is already full.” I have learned more from my children than all my formal education. Wood is brittle and weak when it is too rigid. The strongest wood, for surviving, is the most flexible.
I did punish my kids if they crossed a boundary after I reminded them of the boundary. They would lose a privilege. “No movie tonight.” I have found movies to be my second best education, teaching about sensitivity and right over might, including fighting abuse of innocence, if necessary.
When they processed their upset, I would let them work off their penalty if they wanted to, by sweeping the driveway or something like that. They almost always wanted, so it was rare that a punishment actually happened, unless you count sweeping the driveway.
There is no RIGHT way. There are many things sprouting in the forest, living in peace. Wood includes the energy of accepting people as they are. Different than you. Don’t try to force them to be you.
And please don’t project your fear of worst case scenario (what if they become a criminal!) onto a child, they are busy being explorers and magicians. Do the Fire Needs Wood acupressure protocol to soothe your insecurity.
Fire energy develops through feeling included and accepted by others.
In our competitive masculine culture, we are never completely accepted, because there is always an opponent. In a feminine culture, every perspective is considered a gift of God, and the perspective that anyone else is bad or wrong is not allowed.
Fire allows us to give and receive love in every kind of relationship, and to share our passion with others.
“Being Right” shuts down a unique perspective, which is each persons Gift from God. To see the world as no other and make observations and conclusions that nobody else can see.
To counter this ‘Being Right’ energy in our culture, I played the ‘Tell Me What You Think’ game. “What do you think Amory?” “I don’t know.” “I didn’t ask what you know Am, I asked what you think.” I wanted the best their little perspectives could muster. And I often found it more smarter than what our culture teaches.
For example…I asked Savannah why she thought a lady I knew felt lonely. She said that “the person needs to learn to accept love. When someone reaches toward her, accept warmly.” Our culture teaches that it is weak to accept help and to attract love you aim towards approval. Blech.
My children feel that ‘people pleasers’ are the most annoying. I voted that ‘know it alls’ are, but I didn’t make them wrong for their opinion. Lol.
There is no RIGHT way. There are ways that get results and ways that do not. We would not have advanced (?) as a culture if people didn’t figure out better ways.
And please don’t project your fear of failure or rejection onto a child, they think they are a gift from God. Do the Earth Needs Fire protocol to soothe your insecurity.
I even asked Savannah what she thought was a good way of growing my business. She said “make friends with Medical Doctors.” Thats a great idea! They are really good at making money. But alas, I tried to work together by sending patients with lab diagnosed parasites to the urgent care for medicine. After three referrals, they called to tell me that they would not accept another referral so don’t even try. Lol.
Not to worry. I found plants that clear parasites quite effectively.
The Earth Energy develops from the safety and nurturing care of the primary caretaker.
It is hurt by a lack of nurturing or separation from the primary caretaker. Lack of a nurturing caretaker leads to Mother-seeking as an adult. And like an infant, the strategy to get any caretaker to notice is to complain loudly.
A healthy Earth Energy allows us to give and receive support and nurturing, like a good Mother, in every kind of relationship, and share your value with others.
And yes, we all have the ability to be a good, protective, loving Mother. Even Dad can nurture.
“Being Right” hurts innocent ignorance. Fact… you don’t know anything to start! Don’t hurt not knowing.
I joke that my Mom might respond to my injury with, “I told you not to do that.” Being Right. Lol. No offense, I know she was doing her best. With the wisdom of Natural Law, I held my children in my arms and acu-tapped away their pain. They would push away when they had enough nurturing. “Ok, lets keep going dad.”
Nurturing takes a little intuition. To actually stand in someone else’s shoes and feel what they feel and be an adult and give them what they need. Just do your best. Sometimes a child just needs space to process and sometimes they need some understanding of their perspective. I remember Sacred curled up in a ball, and dad was guessing her upset. When I took my third guess, she uncurled enough to look at me. Got it. When she heard that I understood, even if I had to guess a few times, her healing began. Her feelings stopped being stuck and she started to move again. It didn’t take long to resolve after I understood what she needed.
Nurturing anger is validation. “I understand why you hit her, she was really pushy, but…”
Nurturing sadness is comfort. DrDad: “Oh my gosh, that is horrible. Where have you looked?”
Nurturing disappointment, aka not getting what you want… Kid: “I’ve looked everywhere!” DrDad: “Oh no, then all hope is lost.” Kid: “I’m not ready to give up yet.” DrDad: “I like your attitude.”
“Amory, what do you do if you don’t get what you want?”
“You try a different approach.”
And please don’t project your fear of death onto a child, they are busy living. Do the Metal Needs Earth acupressure protocol to soothe your insecurities.
The only place for punishment in Natural Law…
is willful crossing of a boundary after they are reminded. Take away a privilege. But give the opportunity to make amends, and be graceful with a child losing their temper. Because, in the words of Savannah Stone… “Everyone loses their temper. You have to just let go of it. If you don’t let go of it you get stuck in the past, and you miss the present. And if you miss the present, you miss the present.”
There is no place for hitting. Ouch to their Wood. Jailing or Isolation. Ouch to their Fire. Belittling or laughing at. Ouch to Metal and Earth. Ruling with Fear. Ouch to their Water!
Kiddos are little Gifts from God. Their Love was one of the most healing things I have felt.
Please Nurture their hurts nicely, validate their feelings, encourage their best, create safe boundaries, and watch them blossom into Gifts to this World.